Bonds more than the season

“It’s early!”, my friend exclaimed.

It was the first day of September and Christmas carols started playing at malls, radio stations, canteens and other public places.

“What’s wrong with that?”, I asked my friend, a little dumbfounded. “My family gets into a festive mood the moment September enters and we sing carols together.”

“Well, it’s because, whenever I look back, I just drive my family around during Christmas, from one family reunion to another. We struggle to buy gifts in a swarm of Christmas shoppers,” he related. “By the time it’s Christmas Eve, I’m overly stressed and all I do is sleep. When I wake up, Christmas is over.”

We both fell silent.

“What about you? How do you usually feel about Christmas?”, he asked me, breaking the silence.

“I have a lot of Christmas memories. And I treasure all of them”, I said, smiling back at him. “On September first, my grandmother will ask my uncles to play Jackson 5. Every morning, we will sing carols together. Of course, there would be some who wouldn’t sing, but we would sing. Then we go on our daily lives, going to work, to school, to the market. Then comes December.”

“I still think it’s too early! There’s still All Saints’ Day!”

“We also celebrate All Saints’ Day. We would light candles for our loved ones and pray for their souls. But I do remember my grandmother saying, if you show them a heavy heart when they visit, they will have a hard time moving on. We greet our visitors with warm hearts and bid them joyful farewell. So, we never really drop the joy of ‘Christmas Air’.”

“What do you DO on the actual season then?”

“That’s the best part”, I smiled at him, remembering the good times. “My cousins and I grew up in a small and meagre house owned by our grandparents. It’s a small wood panelled house. My grandparents, my mom and my uncles would start taking out the decorations from the ceiling and we youngsters will wait patiently downstairs. We will carefully take the decors out of the box and put them in a wash basin to get cleaned. My mom would conceptualize a different set-up, every year. My uncles would paint a background for the Belen (Nativity scene). That’s the best part of Christmas I guess. All the members of the family working together to put up senseless decorations, celebrating an occasion that most probably didn’t even happen in December.”

We both laughed. For a few moments, we stared at each other.

“So, what do you do when you’re done with the decorations?”

I thought for a moment. “We usually get done really late, since there’s a lot to prepare. My grandmother would be done cooking by then, so we all eat together. We have a small table, so some of us eat by the sofa and the floor. After that, we sit together in front of the Christmas tree and close the lights, leaving only the Christmas lights glowing.”

We both fell silent, then I started humming a Christmas carol.

“Thank you”. He said. 

“Hmm?”

“I have always burdened myself with the thought of getting stressed over superficial things that I failed to see the beauty of the reunions I drive my family to; I failed to feel the essence of spending time and carefully choosing gifts to our loved ones. Thank you because you gave me a reason to believe in the ‘magic’ of Christmas that I’ve lost so many years ago. Thank you.”

I smiled. And I continued humming a Christmas carol.

The Solution in Doing Nothing

My childhood memories are full of my grandmother: the things we do together, the lessons she unknowingly passed on to me, the tender love and care she undoubtedly expressed to her one and only princess.

One of the many things I loved doing was run to her every time something went wrong. And every single time, she would tell me “It’s ok, Apo. We’ll fix it”. True enough, she would always find a way to mend things.

When I was five years old, I bit her dress in a childish attempt for stop her from leaving the kubo and I ended up with a loose tooth. At nine in the evening and out in the middle of nowhere, hope for my tooth was almost lost. But with the magic of a single thread, my grandmother was able to solve the problem.

But there would also be times that things would get wrecked beyond repair. Similar to how I tore half my Sunday dress by playing near the fence or how my goldfish got swallowed by the neighbor’s cat. “Let it go, Apo. Your Mama will get you a new one”, she would say.

Looking back, it made me realize that every problem has a solution as long as we put our hearts into it. But sometimes the solution is to simply give up and let things be. “H’wag mo nang pilitin, Apo. Lalo lang yan masisira” my grandmother used to tell me. And she was right.

Once, I tried to mend a broken necklace, I ended up breaking it even more; I tried to glue a broken glass together, I ended up with a thumb-full of bandaids; I attempted to fix a ruined relationship, I ended up breaking myself even more.

Maybe that necklace could have been used in a more efficient way if I gave up repairing it and simply turn it into a bracelet. Maybe I wouldn't have cut and hurt myself if I just got a new glass. Maybe I would have healed faster if I never attempted to fix a relationship that’s been long broken.  

Accept. Let go. Move on. (SRN_UP Peer Facilitator’s Training, 2006)

Plants Planted Apart

When I was young, my grandmother would always take me to the province with her during the summer vacation. There, I spend my simple days helping her with the farm and watching her do her chores from under the shade of a "kubo" or nipa hut. 

One sunny day, while we were having a snack of ripe yellow mangos under a tree, a question popped into my head. "Lola, why do you plant the seeds so far apart?"

"So they can breathe and grow healthy", my lola answered, smiling at me.

Back then, I had no idea what she meant. But as grew up, I understood the meaning behind her old wise words. A decade and a half later, I realized that relationships are similar to how we plant seeds. We carefully select the best seed of our preference from barrels and barrels, from store to store. We invest time to plant feelings, emotions and experiences while waiting for the seeds to grow into something beautiful and worthy to reap. 

But the process doesn't end when you plant the seeds. The farmer has to select or make an environment conducive for the growth of his seeds. 

One, they have to planted apart so their roots will not tangle with each other, receiving equal amounts from oxygen and nutrients from the soil. Similarly, a couple has to spend time apart to focus on the part of their lives they do not share with their partner. Family, friends, hobbies, and sometimes, just the simple alone-time to have some self talk. Love knows DETACHMENT. 

Second, seeds grow with a cup of radiating sunshine and a cloud-full of rain. It needs change in the weather. Constant sunshine will dry the soil, thus kill the plant. Constant rain will drown the plant or wash it away. Similarly, when we are in a relationship, we have to adapt to change. We have to feel pain in order to know the feeling of joy; we have to feel sadness to know the feeling of happiness; and we have to know the feeling of being incomplete to know the feeling of being complete.

Third, growth needs time. Time is needed for the seed to transform into a plant, grow leaves, deeper roots and unfold a beautiful flower. In a relationship, whether friendship or a romantic partnership, to achieve one thing, certain preparations have to be made. Temperance is needed while things fall into their proper places. Feelings grow deeper, familiarity roots farther in the past and lives become intertwined. 

Lastly, the farmer and the seeds need communication. Remember the theory wherein plants are considered to feel the emotions we share with them? It might sound nuts at one point, but it's true. Relationships need good communication in order to grow, for it is in communication that common ground is discovered. Communication is not necessarily in form of words, for actions are necessary to accentuate and complement words. Words are empty without actions. Actions are vague without words. Both are needed for growth.

Be wary of destructive relationships. Seeds planted close together; one seed out-growing the other; too much sunshine, too much rain; impatience and selfishness; and most of all misunderstandings.