Life goes on

There comes a point in our lives that we feel stuck in a rut. Unable to move forward, unable to forget or forgive, unable to think sensibly. And no matter how much our friends try to help us, it seems that no small talk, or big talk for that, can get through us.

This point in our lives can be brought about by a death of a loved one, a really bad day at work, a fight with your bestest best friend and, the most of them all, a break up.

I have recently gone through this phase in my life. I refused to talk to my friends about what happened and I kept all the hatred (both to myself and my ex), self-pity and anger bottled up inside me. I thought I was doing fine until the day came that the bottled feelings exploded and I broke down. I got sick both physically and emotionally. My anger paralyzed me.

 I felt so betrayed by the person who I trusted with my gravest, darkest secrets. The fact that I’m an asshole magnet came crashing to me and it slapped me so hard across the face. I knew then that I fell, hard and broken.

My eureka moment came that one rainy day at the office when I was scanning through some webpages. I came across a phrase that changed the way I look at my situation: “The strong is broken so they may ask for strength.”

From this experience, I learned to face my fears and face the fact that I am not alright, that I am broken.

I realized that we are continuously challenged and broken so we may find ourselves over and over and realize the things that actually matter in our lives. I realized that no matter how hard friends try to help friends, nothing will come of it until the person acknowledges that there is a problem, that not everything is going the way we want it to be, that things go the way they should for us to learn our lessons and become better people. I kept reminding myself that things happen for a reason and it gave me the strength to believe in the purpose of things again. I started to believe that I have a purpose in this life.  

 

We learn to forgive the hard way, we learn to love through our hatred, we learn to open our eyes in the darkness and face our worst fears.

Surprisingly, once I accepted the fact that something is wrong, it gradually faded away along with all the pain and hatred that came along with it. I started seeing the light and the blessings continued to come into my life. New opportunities came to me like low hanging fruits. All I had to do was grab them.

I know that some time in the future, I will find myself at this point again but with new challenges, new pain and new lessons to learn.

But I know that as long as I continue to believe, live and be happy, the pain and the tears will be all worth it.

And life goes on.

Other World: The Four Kingdoms

The Four Great Kingdoms of Atlantis

Atlantis itself has three moons: Gaia, Maia and Freia. Atlanteneans worship one god, but also believe in the guardians sent by Emreh to guard each kingdom.

At the western end of Atlantis lies the Tree of Life, an immense tree that is the center of all living things in Atlantis. It was once shared by the Humans and Atlanteneans. The time came when humans started to develop machines that polluted the whole world and threatened the destruction of the Tree, thus ending all life on Earth. The Atlanteneans stood to protect their precious Tree, later on raging war against the humans. Emreh and Yahweh decided to separate the worlds they created to prevent the destruction of both, “sinking” Atlantis in the deep ocean floor, protected by a wall with wards and enchantments.  It was later on referred to as "The Great War of Separation".

Atlanteneans do not believe that animals should be taken as food, a notable difference between the human culture and Atlantenean culture. They believe that all life is sacred, and each life is part of the grand design. Alteration of one part would lead to the destruction of the others. Needless to say, an Atlantenean diet consist mostly of fruits and vegetables, but others also include flowers, honey, sap and other flora.

Hayaji

Sometimes called the “Capital of Music and Arts”, Hayaji is located north of Atlantis on a huge floating island. Their population is small compared to the other kingdoms, but they claim to be rich not only in people but also in tradition and resources. 

The Sa House: The infamous Sa House is an establishment run by Madam Youna, where young girls are taken in to be trained in the arts of war, dance, music, prose and many other. The House of Sa is responsible for all the social gatherings in the kingdom, whether it is royal, private or public. Their performers are known for their talent and intelligence, and their colourful and extravagant garments. 

Blessed Beings: The Blessed, as most of the Hayans prefer to call them, are rare creatures of Atlantis who are born with wings on their backs, resembling angels. Before the Great War that resulted to the separation of Atlantis from the rest of the world, the Blessed were believed to be messengers of their gods.

The Hayan’s ancient guardian is a giant black tortoise, immortalized by their crest: a black tortoise on a silver background. Their country colors are derived from their crest.

The Hayans, or inhabitants of Hayaji have wavy golden hair and piercing, icy blue eyes. Most of the migrants have their eye or hair colors different, due the inter-marriage between the local and the migrants. The characteristic is always true, however to those of royal lineage.

 

Feura

The kingdom of warriors and smiths, Feura is known for their weapons, art of war and techniques as well as their loyalty and jewelry. Feura is located at the south and is situated beside an active volcano. Other Atlanteneans say that Feurans are born out of fires and are immune to its dreadful heat, that’s why they can forge easily in the heat of the volcano.

 

The Feuran’s ancient guardian is a golden phoenix, immortalized by their crest: a golden phoenix on a red background. Like the Hayans, their country colors are derived from their crest.

The inhabitants of Feura are known to have dark hair color, ranging from black to brown and big round eyes. Royalty however have been witnessed to have golden brown to light yellow eyes.

Callisto

The eastern kingdom is known for their jewelry and it may be the only kingdom to contend to the singing abilities of the Hayan performers. Many say that their songs can sing s dragon to sleep, thus earning them the ancient guardian, the blue water dragon. It is also said that their armors are light and durable because they are forged in the light of moon and the volcanoes under water.

The Callisteans are peace loving people and accepts change better than the hard-headed Feurans, apathetic Hayans and fierce Seresans.

Atlanteneans are relatively good swimmers and can hold their breath for a long period of time. But Callisteans are exceptional swimmers and are said to be able to breathe underwater, since 90% of their domain lies underwater.

The Callistean’s ancient guardian is a majestic water dragon, who is said to hold a crystal orb in its claw that foretold Atlantis’ fate. It is immortalized in their crest: an electric blue dragon on black background.

A notable Callistean trait is their strong build, which plays a vital role in navigating in the water, and silver hair. Royalty however are easily recognized by their silver eyes, ivory skin and pearly tears.

Seresa

Literally means “cherry blossoms”, Seresa is full of beautiful, majestic trees, bird songs and peaceful animals.

Emreh, their god, bestowed them the title “Guardians of the Ancient Forest”, which is home to the Tree of Life.

 

The Seresans exhibit exceptional courage, fierce determination, great strength and stamina. They have strong, lean builds and most of them are characterized by dark wavy hair and dark, deep set eyes.

Their ancient guardian is a strong and fierce white tiger, immortalized by their crest: a white tiger on a green background.

DISCLAIMER: ALL PHOTOS ARE NOT OWNED BY KALAI. SKETCHES MADE BY KALAI. No copyright infringement intended.

Dreams

I used to dream of living in a simple white house with a mango tree at the back.

I dreamed of wearing the cute white dress and releasing paper lanterns during our wedding.

I dreamed of having three wonderful kids, whom we’d share many thrilling adventures.

I dreamed of roaming around the world, trying interesting and famous food in each country.

I dreamed of one day, when I’m really, really old, I’d wake up and see your sweet smile and say “good morning”.

I dreamed of holding your hand, walking under the afternoon sun in UP Diliman.

But I realized that even if some dreams are meant to be pursued, there are those that should remain as dreams. Dreams considered as mere illusions and creations of the mind, instead of objects of passion and aspirations.

In choosing to let these dreams stay as mere delusions and illusions, I find myself given a different path to take, other opportunities to pursue and more choices to consider.

I hope that in taking a different path opens broader, if not similar avenues for you to take. I wish you all the best in the path you wish to take, if you ever decide to take it.

S. O. S.

Dear Marshal,

It’s funny really how I always run back to you whenever I feel like my path is blocked and I desperately need someone to talk to; someone who will be there to listen and not to judge; someone who will be and not make assumptions regarding the situation; someone who will be there and not go on talking about how they’ve overcome their previous predicament, how they resolved their own issues. Somehow, that kind of makes me feel like the reality and gravity of my situation is being shoved up my face and I’m forced to feel all down and lost. I wish for someone who will respect my silence and listen to my heartaches.

Odd enough, it’s always been you whom I’ve considered as someone who knows me better than myself. It’s odd that you’re the only friend I can really confide into, considering that you broke my soul and shattered my dreams three years ago. That you chose to walk away from me and leave me broken all by myself. That after so many years, even though I reach out to you and grasp cold damp air, I still turn to you when I to be comforted.

Somewhere, out there, I know you’re reading. Somewhere out there, I know you perfectly understand what I’m saying. I know you can’t care less than a dead mosquito but I still write on and on as if my words are as light as fallen leaves that the wind can carry towards your direction.

I feel so lost right now, Marshal. I can’t seem to find any comfort in confiding to anyone but you. I know that your girlfriend, Joyce, won’t be so happy about it and you’ll probably just ignore my distress call. But you’re the only one I’ve got and I guess it’s worth a shut-eye throw.

I can’t possibly talk to Horace about any of this, regardless of the relationship we share. How can tell him that I hate his relationship with Lina? And I only let him forgo with his previous arrangements of weekend calls, gifts and stuff because Lina’s also I friend whom I treasured? How can I possibly let him know that I feel like I’ve lost my relationship with Lina when we chose to be together and build a relationship we wish to last through lifetimes? How can ever discuss my uncomfortable feelings of irritation, jealousy and uneasiness around Anna because I feel shadowed, pressured and all the way at the bottom of the food chain? How can tell him that I feel totally left out and uninvited when all three of them have breakfast and I’m left alone to face challenges by myself? That I feel totally ignored and unimportant among the stash of their problems? How I feel incomplete without Jace around? How I feel so desperate running to you for help when I know perfectly well that you’ll never care again?

I feel pressured whenever I’m around Anna. Maybe it’s because she’s gotten over her trauma and I’m still 20% behind being completely ok. Maybe it’s because she’s leaving and gearing towards her dreams and I can’t seem to do anything to help her. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to not make her feel burdened with my problems that I try to hide my pain and insanity; my sleepless, restless night where I wake up breaking sweat.

I love Anna. I love her to the point of being overprotective. But I now realized that she doesn’t need it. Especially from me. I don’t know how I can blurt that out, but that’s exactly how I feel. Maybe because she’s  with Angel now. Don’t get me wrong though. I have nothing against Angel. He actually reminds me of John and he’s nice to have around. It’s nice to smile and do him favors, but there are times that I feel like I can’t talk and confide in Anna anymore, that’s way beyond my reach now; that my role as protector and confidante has been filled by him. But Jace and I didn’t anticipate his arrival in our lives. Above everything else, I never thought that Jace would actually disappear, seizing to communicate with me and Horace and Anna. Maybe he’s turned his back on me, his bestfriend, and his love for Anna. 

I want to ask him myself but I can’t seem to reach him. I hope he’s having a long good talk with himself and get these over with. 

I guess this is a desperate time for me since I’m already pulling on desperate measures. I hope that at some point, we can meet and talk and space out like we used to. To walk along the long winding roads of Hills and feel the cold chilling air against our exposed skin.

‘Til our next time is upon us.

Goodnight,
Misa

Comfort Destroys Usefulness

There was a story about a story about a monk who believed that he has overcome every struggle he has to go through in life. Many other monks believed him to have done so and they praised and idolized him.

Word spread out and a wise teacher from another village heard about him. Instead of being amazed, the teacher merely smiled and gathered his students in a prayer.

“Let us pray for our brother who has conquered all of his struggles” the teacher started. “Let us pray that the Almighty give more struggle. And if he overcomes that, give him more. For a soul that lacks struggle wither and die.”

And so, the story teaches people to embrace their struggles and learn from them. Instead of complete surrender, one must fight and continue to take risks in order to keep their souls from burning out.

In life, we cannot always be sheltered otherwise we’ll miss great opportunities that life has in store for us. We cannot always choose to be in the middle because different times call for different choices. And we certainly cannot always  be happy, because in order to feel happiness, one should also feel sadness.

Life is full of surprises.

Jump in and experience opportunities.

Guardians

It was an ordinary day at the office and my colleagues and I were discussing robbing incidents we’ve witnessed in the past couple of days.

.

“I’m very thankful that I’ve never been in incidents like that. I haven’t been robbed, mobbed or anything. It’s like my instincts are always telling where to go and what to do”, I blurted out.

“Then you’re very well guided”, said a female colleague, smiling.

Her words made me think. Usually people would say, “Ang swerte mo!” (“You’re lucky!”). But “you are very well guided” is not a phrase you often hear people say. I realized the gravity of what she said. I looked back at the things I’ve gone through. It made me see that she is indeed correct, because no matter how lost I am emotionally and geographically, I always manage to find my way.

As I went on with my business of reading manga and watching movies online (hey, it’s almost time for the holidays, not much work to do), I recalled a story my mother told me when I was young.

When I was around 4 months old, she put me to sleep in the middle of the bed, stuffing pillows beside me to keep me from rolling. My mother went to the adjoining kitchen to prepare my milk bottles in case I wake up and ask for it. A couple of minutes later, she came back and was very surprised to see that I’m missing.

Frantically, she searched the room for me. After a while she heard baby googling sounds coming from under the bed. She checked and saw me there, lying on my back and smiling at an invisible entity.

“I was surprised to see you under the bed when you can barely roll over on your stomach”, my mother would say. “You didn’t make any sound at all!”

She proceeded to claim that it was my angel that caught me when I fell down from the bed.

Angels. Yeah, I do believe in angels but I never really thought that they will reside on Earth to watch over our every step.

Everything happens for a reason. That is what I believed in for a very long time. Sometimes, I may hate the situation for all of its hardships and difficulties and most of the time, I lose hope that everything will turn out fine. In the end, I always manage to come up and say “Hey, I made it.”

During those dark times, I failed to see that I am guided. It only takes one angel to pull me through and guide me. I’m done evil things but I know I also did good things more than evil. And I thank my Angel for guiding me and whispering loudly to my ears.

Bonds more than the season

“It’s early!”, my friend exclaimed.

It was the first day of September and Christmas carols started playing at malls, radio stations, canteens and other public places.

“What’s wrong with that?”, I asked my friend, a little dumbfounded. “My family gets into a festive mood the moment September enters and we sing carols together.”

“Well, it’s because, whenever I look back, I just drive my family around during Christmas, from one family reunion to another. We struggle to buy gifts in a swarm of Christmas shoppers,” he related. “By the time it’s Christmas Eve, I’m overly stressed and all I do is sleep. When I wake up, Christmas is over.”

We both fell silent.

“What about you? How do you usually feel about Christmas?”, he asked me, breaking the silence.

“I have a lot of Christmas memories. And I treasure all of them”, I said, smiling back at him. “On September first, my grandmother will ask my uncles to play Jackson 5. Every morning, we will sing carols together. Of course, there would be some who wouldn’t sing, but we would sing. Then we go on our daily lives, going to work, to school, to the market. Then comes December.”

“I still think it’s too early! There’s still All Saints’ Day!”

“We also celebrate All Saints’ Day. We would light candles for our loved ones and pray for their souls. But I do remember my grandmother saying, if you show them a heavy heart when they visit, they will have a hard time moving on. We greet our visitors with warm hearts and bid them joyful farewell. So, we never really drop the joy of ‘Christmas Air’.”

“What do you DO on the actual season then?”

“That’s the best part”, I smiled at him, remembering the good times. “My cousins and I grew up in a small and meagre house owned by our grandparents. It’s a small wood panelled house. My grandparents, my mom and my uncles would start taking out the decorations from the ceiling and we youngsters will wait patiently downstairs. We will carefully take the decors out of the box and put them in a wash basin to get cleaned. My mom would conceptualize a different set-up, every year. My uncles would paint a background for the Belen (Nativity scene). That’s the best part of Christmas I guess. All the members of the family working together to put up senseless decorations, celebrating an occasion that most probably didn’t even happen in December.”

We both laughed. For a few moments, we stared at each other.

“So, what do you do when you’re done with the decorations?”

I thought for a moment. “We usually get done really late, since there’s a lot to prepare. My grandmother would be done cooking by then, so we all eat together. We have a small table, so some of us eat by the sofa and the floor. After that, we sit together in front of the Christmas tree and close the lights, leaving only the Christmas lights glowing.”

We both fell silent, then I started humming a Christmas carol.

“Thank you”. He said. 

“Hmm?”

“I have always burdened myself with the thought of getting stressed over superficial things that I failed to see the beauty of the reunions I drive my family to; I failed to feel the essence of spending time and carefully choosing gifts to our loved ones. Thank you because you gave me a reason to believe in the ‘magic’ of Christmas that I’ve lost so many years ago. Thank you.”

I smiled. And I continued humming a Christmas carol.