Dear Marshal,
It’s funny really how I always run back to you whenever I feel like my path is blocked and I desperately need someone to talk to; someone who will be there to listen and not to judge; someone who will be and not make assumptions regarding the situation; someone who will be there and not go on talking about how they’ve overcome their previous predicament, how they resolved their own issues. Somehow, that kind of makes me feel like the reality and gravity of my situation is being shoved up my face and I’m forced to feel all down and lost. I wish for someone who will respect my silence and listen to my heartaches.
It’s funny really how I always run back to you whenever I feel like my path is blocked and I desperately need someone to talk to; someone who will be there to listen and not to judge; someone who will be and not make assumptions regarding the situation; someone who will be there and not go on talking about how they’ve overcome their previous predicament, how they resolved their own issues. Somehow, that kind of makes me feel like the reality and gravity of my situation is being shoved up my face and I’m forced to feel all down and lost. I wish for someone who will respect my silence and listen to my heartaches.
Odd enough, it’s always been you whom I’ve considered as someone who knows me better than myself. It’s odd that you’re the only friend I can really confide into, considering that you broke my soul and shattered my dreams three years ago. That you chose to walk away from me and leave me broken all by myself. That after so many years, even though I reach out to you and grasp cold damp air, I still turn to you when I to be comforted.
Somewhere, out there, I know you’re reading. Somewhere out there, I know you perfectly understand what I’m saying. I know you can’t care less than a dead mosquito but I still write on and on as if my words are as light as fallen leaves that the wind can carry towards your direction.
I feel so lost right now, Marshal. I can’t seem to find any comfort in confiding to anyone but you. I know that your girlfriend, Joyce, won’t be so happy about it and you’ll probably just ignore my distress call. But you’re the only one I’ve got and I guess it’s worth a shut-eye throw.
I can’t possibly talk to Horace about any of this, regardless of the relationship we share. How can tell him that I hate his relationship with Lina? And I only let him forgo with his previous arrangements of weekend calls, gifts and stuff because Lina’s also I friend whom I treasured? How can I possibly let him know that I feel like I’ve lost my relationship with Lina when we chose to be together and build a relationship we wish to last through lifetimes? How can ever discuss my uncomfortable feelings of irritation, jealousy and uneasiness around Anna because I feel shadowed, pressured and all the way at the bottom of the food chain? How can tell him that I feel totally left out and uninvited when all three of them have breakfast and I’m left alone to face challenges by myself? That I feel totally ignored and unimportant among the stash of their problems? How I feel incomplete without Jace around? How I feel so desperate running to you for help when I know perfectly well that you’ll never care again?
I feel pressured whenever I’m around Anna. Maybe it’s because she’s gotten over her trauma and I’m still 20% behind being completely ok. Maybe it’s because she’s leaving and gearing towards her dreams and I can’t seem to do anything to help her. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to not make her feel burdened with my problems that I try to hide my pain and insanity; my sleepless, restless night where I wake up breaking sweat.
I love Anna. I love her to the point of being overprotective. But I now realized that she doesn’t need it. Especially from me. I don’t know how I can blurt that out, but that’s exactly how I feel. Maybe because she’s with Angel now. Don’t get me wrong though. I have nothing against Angel. He actually reminds me of John and he’s nice to have around. It’s nice to smile and do him favors, but there are times that I feel like I can’t talk and confide in Anna anymore, that’s way beyond my reach now; that my role as protector and confidante has been filled by him. But Jace and I didn’t anticipate his arrival in our lives. Above everything else, I never thought that Jace would actually disappear, seizing to communicate with me and Horace and Anna. Maybe he’s turned his back on me, his bestfriend, and his love for Anna.
I want to ask him myself but I can’t seem to reach him. I hope he’s having a long good talk with himself and get these over with.
I guess this is a desperate time for me since I’m already pulling on desperate measures. I hope that at some point, we can meet and talk and space out like we used to. To walk along the long winding roads of Hills and feel the cold chilling air against our exposed skin.
‘Til our next time is upon us.
Goodnight,
Misa
Misa
